Day 102 - Obedience

Is there such thing as good obedience and bad obedience?

When I was a child, I considered myself a fairly obedient kid. I mean, I was bad, mischevious and lied a lot but when I was told to do something or not to do something, I would obey...most of the time. The problem was that often times, my parents never laid down the rules. I don't think they've ever told me I wasn't allowed to lie to them. I was just punished everytime I did. But if they straight out told me that I was not allowed to lie to them, I don't think I would have...so much. Punishment told me it was wrong but it didn't tell me to stop. I tried to be obedient to my parents because if I wasn't, I would be punished. I would be slapped or worse, have my tv previledges taken away!! When I listened, I would be rewarded and told what a good kid I was.

This week, I was reminded of Christ's teaching. Multiple times in John 14, Jesus teaches that if we love him, we will obey his commands. I know I didn't obey my parents out of love as a child, it was out of fear and wanting to be rewarded and it was the same attitude towards God. I listened to God because I was afraid he would punish me. But as I grew up, this fear of God turned into deep reverance and respect for the Almighty God. Everyday I'm awe-stricken by his amazing love and grace for me. I love my heavenly Father, I really do! So much that I would do anything for him. I will do anything he tells me to do. I will obey because I love him. That's how I lived my life the past 8 years. I was an obedient child of God, I did what God told me to do and went where God told me to go...at least whatI thought God wanted me to do...sometimes it's hard to discern God's plans. I was always so happy to know that I was following God's plans and I was always pumped to serve him! When I obeyed, God also rewarded me with awesome results!

However, looking back on these past 3 years, I'm starting to wonder if my obedience to God has been out of love. I feel like all I ever do is complain about the things that God wants me to do. It's like, "Fine God, I'll do this but I'm not happy about it!" or "I don't want to do this, but I'll listen and obey" and I end with a big Sigh. I see the things God wants me to do and tremendous trepidation comes upon me. I drag my feet, shoulders drooped, face jaded and complaining the whole way there, hoping to delay the tasks and that others or even God himself will hear my gumble and take the load off me. What has changed? I still love God but why doesn't it feel like I'm obeying him out of love? Is this bad obedience? Is there such thing? Is this even obedience at all? Perhaps, it's because the past 3 years of obedience has not reaped good rewards. I have yet to see the fruits of my labour. But maybe that's the problem, I'm obeying because I'm still expecting to be rewarded and be called a good kid and that's not obeying out of love. Love doesn't expect anything in return. True and pure love is not conditional.

Lord, change my heart so that I'm not guided by an earthly, shallow love and obedience for you but a deep, unconditional love that's pure and reflective of the same love that you show me. Remind me of why I chose to be obedient to you in the first place.